Style Conversational Week 1231: Tanka from the memories The Style Invitational Empress looks at the week’s new contest and results A coywolf, the subject of a runner-up TankaWanka in a previous contest. (ForestWander.com/via Wikipedia) By Pat Myers Pat Myers Editor and judge of The Style Invitational since December 2003 Email // Bio // Follow // June 8, 2017 Ooh, I’m feeling so poetic today, just in time for this week’s Style Invitational TankaWanka contest, Week 1231. That’s because I’m writing this from West Chester University in the Philadelphia suburbs, where I’m attending the 22nd annual West Chester Poetry Conference for the third time. As I did last year, I’ll be sitting in on a three-day workshop on light verse and parody, led by Invite Loserbards Melissa Balmain and Frank Osen. What a gig! I don’t have to make any presentations; I just sit there and shoot off my mouth whenever I think of something. In fact, my biggest challenge is /not / to shoot off my mouth every minute, and let other people talk for a change. Also: those little cheesecake-cupcake things for dessert. Dang, so good. So I’m pretty much going to leave you here today with the results of our last two (also first two) TankaWanka contests, from 2015 and 2014. I came up with the name as a way to avoid gripes that I was doing it all wrong because everyone knows that a tanka doesn’t rhyme. Yeah, well, a TankaWanka does. Note that this week I spelled out that at least two /lines/ have to rhyme: previously I’d said that the poem had to /contain/ at least one rhyme. In general, I favored the rhyme in those last two seven-syllable lines; that little final couplet gave the feel of a micro-sonnet. But that’s certainly not required. You’ll see that these inking TankaWanka were highly topical. Fine with me — as long as they’ll still work four weeks from now. I admit that seems an eternity these days, when literally two days after the president tweeted about negative “covfefe,” the fabulous parodists (and Style Invitational Devotees) Sandy and Richard Riccardi posted this, based on the old jazz song “Black Coffee,” and one day later, the beyond-fabulous Randy Rainbow came out with this tour de force show tune medley . And the very day Trump made the tweet, there was already a verbal tweet-tussle between Covfefe the Strong and The Wizard Covfefe: “No, you fool! It is I who have been summoned! By the Great Orb of T’kketh!” ’Sokay. Covfefe is good for a few more weeks. Here are the top winners from Week 1148, November 2015. *It’s a tanka gas: The top TankaWanka news poems* In Week 1148 we presented our second annual contest for TankaWanka poems on the news. The TankaWanka — a form the Empress named so nobody could accuse us of doing it wrong — is a variation on tanka, a classic Japanese poetry form. Like tanka, the TW has five lines of 5-7-5-7-7 syllables (like a haiku that forgot to stop), but it also contains at least one rhyme. 4th place: /Ben Carson believes Egyptian pyramids were used by biblical Joseph / Carson: Pyramids Were for the storage of grain. Evidence for this: They’re sealed against the outside. Much like Dr. Carson’s brain? (Gary Crockett, Chevy Chase, Md.) 3rd place: /Coywolf, coyote-wolf hybrid, sees population boom / Wolf, in search of mate, Struck out, then said, “You know what? Coyotes look great!” Fairy tale changes wryly When Riding Hood meets Wile E. (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.) 2nd place: /Nationals lose manager choice over too-low offer / “Bud Black is our guy! He can run our pitching staff!” But they made a gaffe With their offer so mulish— Penny-wise and mound-foolish. (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) And the winner of the Inkin’ Memorial:/Google self-driving car pulled over for driving too slowly, impeding traffic / California fuzz Stopped a car, and found it was Driving by itself. Gave a warning, didn’t cite. Need I say the car was white? (Nan Reiner, Boca Raton, Fla.) Read the rest of the results here. ------------------------ *In Week 1095* we asked for a poem relating to events in the news, in a form something like the Japanese tanka: five lines with a syllable count of 5-7-5-7-7. But since real tankas don’t rhyme, and we insisted on at least one rhyme per poem, we’re calling ours TankaWanka. The deadline for this contest was before Election Day. The winner of the Inkin’ Memorial: /“Gamergate,” harassment of women in the gaming world: / Gamer dweebs all say Girls are not supposed to play. Hey, guys: Get a clue. We have learned what we can do With our joysticks, without you. (Nan Reiner, Alexandria, Va.) 2nd place: Midterm votes are done: Optimism’s fading fast That the folks who won Somehow will — unlike the last — See that more than gas gets passed. (Melissa Balmain, Rochester, N.Y.) 3rd place: Sunni on Shia, Russian troops in Crimea, Ebola, ISIS, Worldwide crisis and drama — As per Fox: Thanks, Obama! (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.) 4th place:/[The actress Renée Zellweger had been the target of mockery for heavy facial surgery] /Ms. Zellweger: Were she the sole entrant in A contest to choose The one who looked most like her, Could Renée herself still lose? (Perry Beider, Silver Spring, Md.) *Stanka: honorable mentions* /Department of Homeland Security employees put $30,000 worth of Starbucks on government credit card:/ At the DHS, When they make a coffee run It costs thirty thou. If they want to get Starbucks, They should not pay with OUR bucks. (Nan Reiner) Kerry won’t pander, So Israelis throw a fit From State staff’s candor. “Netanyahu’s chicken[poop]” – (I confess I laughed a bit.) (Brendan Beary, Great Mills, Md.) The conservative Wing of the Catholic Church Was left in the lurch. The libs are ecstatic in Pope Francis’s Vatican. (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.) See the full results of Week 1095 . *GOAT, GOAT, GONE! FLUSHIES UPDATE* *Good news! Bad news! Good news! * Some late developments about this year’s Flushies awards “banquet” potluck on Saturday afternoon, June 17, /to which you are personally invitedwith this invitation if you are reading this column: / *Good news No. 1:* Our host Robin Diallo will soon become a top U.S. diplomat in Haiti! So she and husband Khalil will be moving there in a few months. Robin, who’s currently in Baghdad and has also served in Kabul, doesn’t shy away from challenging posts! *Bad news: *This means that the Diallos have had to find new homes for their farm animals. There’s a good chance that most or all will be gone by June 17. *Good news: *The Diallos do have a pool that’s not going anywhere — and everyone is welcome to play in it. And emcee Kyle Hendrickson says he’s come up with a new game to play during the festivities. So far, none of the 54 guests who’ve signed up so far (including several families) have changed their minds. But if you’d still like to come, please answer the Evite soon, and come meet the Losers, the Empress, etc. The next best thing to a bunch of goats — and really not all that different. We hope that you’ll still want to come to the Flushies, goats or no goats. But we’ll understand if you change your mind. *BEGET A LIFE*: RESULTS OF WEEK 1227* /*A non-inking headline by Tom Witte/ These were my instructions for the Week 1227 neologism contest, the one suggested by Jeffrey Shirley with several funny examples: “Name and describe a new life form — and no letter in the term may be used twice, as in the examples above. ‘Life form’ is pretty vague on purpose; the E always appreciates creativity, and of course The Funny.” By “vague,” I meant I could take, say, Sean Spicer. I didn’t mean I could take any of these -- and these were from just the first few pages of entries: A sports car What someone says when... A deer trap A court To think someone is ... A musical instrument A coffee machine Mascara A budget A brochure Fortunately, though, there were plenty of clever neologisms describing some fanciful animal, plant, fungus, president, etc. The Week 1227 results include close to 50 inking entries (including a whopping six by Kevin Dopart). Many of the best entries ingeniously used biological terms to describe an “organism” that’s clearly representing something else. They’d be topped by this week’s Inkin’ Memorial winners, “D.J.T. Rex” by Seth Tucker, that dinosaur with diminutive forelimbs and backward vision. It’s the second Bobble-Linc for Seth, who now has a total of 34 blots of ink — five of them “above the fold.” Joining Seth in the Losers’ Circle this week are perennials Frank Mann (62 inks) and Mark Raffman, who with OMG 397 blots (including four this week) is next in line to reach the 500-ink Hall of Fame, since David Genser retired with 404. But in fourth place is an almost-newbie: It’s just the third blot of ink, and first above the fold, for Selma Ellis of the Chicago suburb of Rolling Meadows, Ill. What/didn’t /work — and I got a lot of these: “animals” or “plants” described with traits that aren’t at all animal- or plantlike. Like: “Preach: Fruit that won’t stop talking about how good it is for you.” Or “Kumquit: A bitter fruit that takes its toys and goes home.” Bitter, good; taking its toys, not good. What also didn’t work: Words that didn’t follow the only other requirement — that no letter appear in the word twice. That killed “E*n*dolphi*n* (the happiest animal in the sea) and “W*oo*f spider” among others. I /think / I caught any other offenders. *What Doug Dug: * Ace Copy Editor Doug Norwood reports that he especially liked all four of the top winners and also singles out Kevin Dopart’s “Iowasp” (emerges in large, noisy swarms in four-year cycles), Ira Allen’s “Mikajoe,” Mark Raffman’s “U-tern,” Seth Tucker’s “Yo’ma,” Dave Matuskey’s “E. moji,” and Beverley Sharp’s “Shyena.” -- Well, I’m off to pontificate about light verse — and will be sure to note to the students that nice TankaWanka ink for Frank Osen and Melissa Balmain I show above.